Thanks for previous speeches
First I’d like to thank Mike for those kind words – some sort of response
But I would especially like to thank Clare’s dad for his kind words and Mr and Mrs Messenger for organising what I am sure we will all agree has been a wonderful day and really got Mike and Clare’s marriage off to a perfect start...
Well that was until they gave me the floor so apologies for what is to come but as they say every silver lining must have it’s cloud...
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, friends relatives, hangers on and hotel staff, before I launch into the “ruin Mike’s reputation” speech (it’s too late to change your mind now Clare) I need to get one thing straight...
I have a bit of an issue to raise, it has come to my attention that there is a bet on about the length of the Best Man's speech....however I am sure you will all be glad to know that I got wind of this and have put a bet down of an hour, and with the kitty currently at £60 pounds you might as well all settle and enjoy the ride ...
The university days
For those that don’t know me I am Joe, Mike’s best man, I met mike 12 years ago in the first year at university, lived in communal halls where young people first time away from home get the chance to live in a new community and understand how to live together etc.
University brought three key things – late nights, alcohol and girls. As you will see Mike was amazingly poor in all of these areas (as well as great learning and education obviously) and so far has only managed to improve on one of those which is obviously the girl front as we can all see from the new Mrs Pringle, apart from that he is still as useless as he says
So what was my first experience of Mike
Well there I was first morning lying in bed with a bit of a sore head and this almighty blast of music form above came booming through the ceiling. So rolled out of bed and went to tell them to shut up – presuming was a party in full swing – closer I got the more my ears began to bleed !
Not one to normally complain but Depeche mode full volume at eight in the morning – really I ask you, so went upstairs I almost had to kick door down to get an answer
Then from behind the door came the smiling Irish eyes, wearing a lovely white towling dressing grown some green suede slip on boots, a Yankees baseball cap on back to front – well that was first intro to laughing boy Mikey...Why we became friends I will never know however that was the start of the trouble I think
You will be pleased to know that his music taste hasn’t improved (or actually changed) since then however his dancing is one thing to be seen...
Over the years I have known Mike begun to realise he is a person with many hidden talents, some of which I will take you through
Uni studying for finals –crammed four years work onto three sides of paper – couple of days before finals asked mike to ask questions from the paper. Mike read it through then put it down and started asking questions without looking ! ! Only then did he choose to tell me that has a photographic memory
He then went on to tell me that when he lived in Ireland had a job stacking shelves in a super market in Ireland he had won money off the other poor souls by memorising bar codes – a bean counter in the making I think – probably why he did accountancy
There must be easier ways of making money I am sure however (I think that is pretty similar to what he does now – just different beans)
Now occasionally at Uni we had a day with no lectures (well none that we were going to be going to) and on one of these many days we decided to go for a wee game of snooker. Was the first time played with mike – little did I know he had spent almost half his teenage years in snooker halls – he wiped the floor with me – I was pleased to get a break of two balls he was getting breaks of twenty and thirty without trying
We still play every week and after years of practise I have once drawn with him
Then there’s the bmx – you probably don’t know that mike was one of the best bmx riders in northern Ireland when he was young –
One day I had a friends mountain bike and mike said ooohh give me a shot then set of careering towards a brick wall – I thought he was just out of control and thought oh this will be a sore one (but possibly funny as there were a few girls standing around watching)
What does he do – a bunny hop over a five foot high wall – unbelievable
Bring him down a peg or two
But what do you think is that enough nice things – as best man I feel it only right and proper that I also knock him down a peg or two – what do you think ?
Another one of his hidden talents is that he is THE one night wonder
He is great for nights out – well over the years I have had a lot of nights out with dear Mikey and for the first night he is the life and soul of the party – you know fun, giggling and full of life but over the years learnt that he is really a “one night wonder”. Anyone who was on the stag weekend will tell you he was probably the most sober stag ever on Saturday evening – he just couldn’t drink.
He then turns into the incredible sleeping man
Mike is the only person I know that can sleep as long as he wants to...if he wants to stay in bed for 36 hours then he just does
When we were at university mike after a night out used to spend the day in bed under his pride and joy – his tiger skin bedspread – thankfully I believe that Clare recently managed to persuade him that maybe this wasn’t quite de rigueur in the fashion world and wrenched it from him (however I think when Clare is away it still makes a come back to the Pringle bed)
He only managed to get up when he was so hungry he had to eat.
But when he finally dragged his smelly carcas out of bed he used to pay anyone that was willing the price of a Chinese to go to the takeaway and pick one up for him and he would then buy them a Chinese meal for free – obviously this is a good deal for any deserving student and I was only too keen to take him up on his offer.
However the real sting in the tail was is that this day I have never had the heart to tell mike that the Chinese actually did a free home delivery service however thanks for all the free meals
Another hidden talent – well at least in Mikey’s eyes – is his bottom
Well as you will find out not so much hidden as frequently shown is that once you get to know him you will find out loves showing his bum especially after a drink or two
Which is why at University got the nickname of the penguin ! !
Basically what happened was after the night had been run we all used to stand around agreeing where to go next – often the time when girls and boys got together (if you know what I mean ! )
Well until Clare came along Mikey never was any good with women indeed turning into the penguin was basically his way of avoiding them – Mike and I used to be standing there thinking she’s not bad but if I looked away for two seconds and then turned back only to see him running down the road with his trousers at his ankles – hence the Penguin ! ! !
You never know if Mikey gets a bit merry later on we may all have a chance for a look
Have you heard the joke about the Scotsman, the Englishman, the Irishman, the Italian, the Belgian and the Welshman well that was the stag weekend – a truly multi cultural weekend if there ever was one (apart from the Welsh – mike doesn’t know any welsh people so to make it a real joke we had to hold the weekend in Wales)
Well before this speech Michael gave me a list of things from the weekend that I am not allowed to talk about, however, fortunately he forgot to mention the one legged blind stripper and the incident with the incident with the sheep however I thought it best not to raise them myself...ooooppppsss
Apart from him almost being swept to his death and proving his total skill at still being the biggest ever one night wonder (how many sober stags have you seen on the Saturday of their big weekend), but if you want to know any of the gory details please ask any of the guilty party that were there on the weekend
However obviously Mike thought that it was worth enduring to get him here today...
Don’t worry for all those clock watchers only 60 minutes to go
So then onto the perfect couple
Not sure where Clare did her running training however she obviously can outrun a Penguiin and caught mike some time ago
But I am sure we all agree that they make the perfect couple
Clare’s got it all you know she is funny, full of life, great looking, a designer, has a plethora of interesting stories and views on life and has great ideas about their future together
And Michael’s got, well he’s got a nice bottom
So you can see together they are just perfect – they’ve got the lot
No seriously, Susie and I have spent a lot of time with the pair of them and one of the most endearing things about them is that every time you see them they are giggling with each other
One of my many names for mikey, along with Irish Mike (wonder why that is), is laughing boy cause that’s just what he does around Claire – they are obviously very happy and I think today has just been absolutely perfect and they are the ones that have made it so enjoyable
I personally am proud to be here as Michaels best man and to be able to help them in there special day
However once Mike had asked me I knew I had to prepare for the big day and all my duties (no honestly I practised this – it just appears relaxed ! and unplanned)
One of the things I did was to ask Mike and Clare what they saw in each other (you know a bit of background on their feelings for each other...)
Clare said that she was marrying Mike because he is
Good looking, hard working, funny, has a nice bum, is brave, makes her laugh, is interesting and thoughtful and has great conversation (after checking it was the right mike I agreed)
What Mike said about Clare
I then asked mike why he was marrying Clare and he said well because of her small feet, small feet I thought – that’s a bit odd – and inquired in more detail why – so she can get closer to the sink was his response
As Clare’s dad would like to pass on some advice to the newly weds...when girls and boys say things not always what they mean so here are some lines that you may say to each other and also what they really mean...
MEN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
We need = I want
We need to talk = I need to complain
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and relax
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = fancy some nookie
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = fancy some nookie
“Nice dress!" = fancy some nookie
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = fancy some nookie
Now a few of the better parts of my duties for the day I get to thank the bridesmaids
I know that Clare has given you something already to say thanks
However Hayley, Lauren and Shannon add to this by saying what a great job you have done getting Clare through today and I think everyone will agree you both look beautiful
Also have a few telegrams to read out
Scott and Sarah who are currently travelling
"Changi prison dreadful STOP sorry wedding present seized by customs STOP please wire $10,000 bail STOP".
Flossie the sheep – come back all is forgiven and don’t worry it happens all the time
However I personally would like to thank Mike and Clare for making today so much fun and say again what an absolutely wonderful couple I think you are and wish all the very best happiness for the future
So it leaves me with no further to do (apart from losing the time limit bet – but hey you can’t win them all) but to ask you all to raise your glasses to
Clare and Mike
The new Mr and Mrs Pringle
The bride and groom ! ! ! !