Ladies and Gentlemen,
You will be pleased to know that I am only going to speak for a few minutes because of my throat... If I go on too long, Kathleen has threatened to cut it. (Bah-boom, ching!)
When Kathleen asked that give a ROAST at the wedding, well! You can just imagine I jumped at the chance to roast my little sister!
[Dad’s planned interruption]: A toast, Danielle! She wanted a TOAST!
[A few other guests’ UNplanned interruption, including the groom’s mother!]
[Insert expression somewhere between surprise and mild horror as you search the room for
confirmation]: Okay, well!... I don’t have one of THOSE. But I have prepared a little something else, so if
you’ll all just bear with me....
When Kate first told me she was engaged, I thought—TO WHOM?!?! I mean, what strong, brave man would marry my sister? This is the girl whose favorite pastimes whilst growing up included:
• Regularly stuffing her father’s dress shoes down the toilet.
• Getting her head stuck in-between boulders at national parks.
• Keeping her Snoopy suitcase packed under her bed just in case she decided to run away... again... that week.
• The entrepreneur who charged the neighborhood kids 5 cents to see her Irish father’s bald head.
• The girl who changed her hair color with every season and made sure her tattoo was in a place her father wouldn’t find it. (heh, heh.) Yes, Dad, it’s true.
So just who is this man that Kate is marrying?! And then I realized it was Troy S. and suddenly it all made sense! He’s the ONLY one who wreaked more havoc growing up and the only man who could possibly make an honest woman out of her. So, I think I speak for my parents when I say, “Thank you! And it’s about time!”
[Insert bitter single older sister persona]: Yes, my LITTLE sister is married. Kate always had to be first! Except in the birthing order--but that’s only because she knew I’d wrinkle sooner. Yes, Kate insisted on losing her first tooth before me. She swore first—got her mouth washed out with soap first (heh heh), wore a bikini first, drank first, snuck out of the house first, went on a cruise first, had... (ahem) ”FUN” first, got engaged first, got married first, now she’ll be honeymooning first, and considering the amount of “FUN” I’m not having these days, she’ll probably have kids first.
But the ONE thing I do get to do first, is offer these 2 wonderful people some words of wisdom on married life! Now, just because I’m not married and never have been, doesn’t mean I’m not an expert on the subject. So here are one single gal’s words of wisdom for the newly married couple:
1. Maps are a GOOD thing.
2. One word: Flush.
3. The definition of cleaning is not picking up the pile and spreading it around to make it appear less noticeable. WE KNOW.
4. 3 of the most important phrases in any marriage: “You’re right, dear,” “Okay, buy it!” and “No, you do NOT look fat in that dress!”
5. Yes, women really do need a pair of shoes for every outfit.
6. Buy flowers and lots and LOTS of jewelry. (wink wink)
7. When you’re wrong, admit it. When you’re right, shut up.
8. Say you’re sorry.
10. Share everything—INCLUDING the bedcovers.
11. Write love letters... to each other.
And my FINAL piece of advice to Kate and Troy [insert completely sincere sisterly adoration and tears]:
As you sit side by side on this roller coaster of life, remember to scream from the peaks, hold hands through the dips, laugh through the loop the loops, and enjoy every twist and turn... for the ride is better because you share it together.