Ladies and Gentlemen you'll be pleased to know I am only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat..... if I go on too long Nicola has threatened to cut it.
However, before I begin, on behalf of Clarke and Nicola I would like to thank everyone who has helped to make this the special day that it is - and I think we can all agree it has been splendid so far.
Well, I knew it would be difficult to follow a speech made by Clarke and I was right .... I couldn't follow a bloomin word of it. When Clarke asked me to be his Best woman I felt very privileged at first, but then as the big day approached I thought why did he ask me? what had I done that was so wrong? I then remembered a good definition of being asked to be the Bestman, is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother - its a great honour, but nobody wants to do it. But even so, I still agreed to be Clarke's Best woman and here I am today.
So, before I commence to slander Clarke's character as is traditional, I'd just like to thank him for lending me a book entitled "The Bestman's Checklist". I must confess I was mystified by some of the things I was expected to do.
(1) Get the Groom to the Church sober and on time - well ladies and gentlemen I think you could all agree I have completed by first duty splendidly.
(2) Bring a Chequebook for payments the groom may have forgotten - well knowing Clarke's memory that will be all of them.
(3) Help the groom dress - thanks but no thanks, perhaps his mums should have been the Bestman instead.
(4) Keep all angry ex-girl friends at bay - no worries there, word has it they are all out celebrating in Ashby this evening.
And finally number (5) Make a speech - so here goes.
Apart from my dear mum and dad - I've known Clarke longer than anyone else and believe me, I could tell you some amusing stories about him - but don't worry Clarke I promise I won't be too harsh.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I think you will all agree we see before us today a very smart and presentable young man - a brother I am truly proud of. However, do not be deceived - as this was not always the case.
I can remember the days of the spikey punk style hair (as seen in this weeks Coalville Times). And who can forget the image of Clarke dancing in the living room to Bros with his kirmit the frog slippers and the brown paisley pyjamas - no wonder Clarke hid all of the family photograph albums when he first met Nicola.
Luckily for her, his dressed sense improved -even if his taste in music didn't. And he grew up into a very smart young man.
Clarke, myself and we must not forget John have shared the good times and the not so good times, but through it all we have always remained close. Thanks to our wonderful mum and dad we've had a fantastic childhood and I hope that the fun will continue as we welcome Nicola into our family.
Now Ladies and Gentlemen, I would advise you to get you handkerchiefs at the ready - as it is time for the soppy bit. We are all here today to celebrate everything that Clarke and Nicola have found in each other - a best friend, a lover, a teacher, a playmate, a true partner for life. As you sit side by side through this roller coaster of life remember to scream from the peaks, hold hands through the dips, laugh through the loop-the-loops and enjoy every twist and turn for the ride is better because you share it together. Separately, you are to special, remarkable people but together you are complete. Ladies and Gentlemen would you all please stand and join me in a toast to Clarke and Nicola.....
Now as tradition I must just say a few words about the Bridesmaids. Now I know what you're all thinking but you'd be wrong, it is apparently quite difficult to pout, look pretty and hold flowers all at the same time, especially for half an hour. However, I am sure you'll agree that Amy, Abi-Jay and Amy have all performed such a role splendidly. They all looked so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. So I think a round of applause for the Bridesmaids is most definitely in order.
I would just like to read a selection of cards and I apologise if your card is not read out...
(add in some humorous ones)
Example : To Clarke and Nicola, If you need some wedding tips, call 0800 and ask for hot lips... >From Anonymous.
Finally, on behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank everyone for sharing their special day, it is a true millstone - sorry milestone in their lives. On behalf of myself I wish you'd all stayed at home - as things would have been a lot easier on me. I started planning this speech about 5 months ago and I expect you all feel like I've been delivering it equally as long. But now it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you to all stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Clarke and Nicola. To love, laughter and happily ever after. To Clarke and Nicola CONGRATULATIONS